The word “no”

If you have never heard this word you are either a brat or dumb as fuck but if you have heard it and it’s never been directed to you, you are perfect. I think I just lived the worst week of my life this week and it’s only getting worse. My dad is dying from throat cancer is what we found out in Wednesday, if the radiation doesn’t work which is 6 weeks every day he will die. I also was told no by a school there is only one school I wanted to go to that I worked so hard to get into for 3 years and I was told no you aren’t good enough, it feels like a canon ball hitting your chest, to be told your not good enough, and we don’t want you after u worked so hard, what is the point of even life is there is nothing to live, I wake up every morning to survival that day and go to bed and wake up to survive another day, there is nothing for me to work for, strive for, live for. I don’t know what I was meant for, or why I was put on this earth but I need some sign soon or I don’t really want to be on this earth anymore.

Who can really tell?

Today well yesterday it’s 12:10 so yeah yesterday was my birthday. And it got me thinking if I have survived this long I can do it again, but in the right way. The first part of my life was the figuring (figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be) and I know who I want to be, but never acted like it… Maybe it’s time that I started. But the problem with changing is people you love and care about don’t except the change or understand it. Personally I always halved to act like the class clown but I would rather just be serious and let things pass and learn to be smart and strong and block the stupid out of my life which god knows I want. I guess no don’t have much to say I don’t want to bore you, well who ever you are who reads this know 2 things.
1. It’s okay to give up and get pushed down.
2. But when you get back up you say you hit like a bitch.

Honesty gives me suicidal thoughts

Well lately I have had this depression thing. And even when u put on a smiley face and act okay nothing is really okay… A few days ago a certain person made my life hell and the person who fixed it is giving me hell now I don’t know if this person realizes it but THEY ARE ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE DICK. I don’t know there is one thing I want a girl who just knows who they are… A smart pretty funny and someone who doesn’t fall under the influence of other people. Which is the one thing I’m really looking for and is impossible to find… I guess stay on the path and maybe the right one will just show up…

Well another round…

Okay do you know how tired I am of being replaced, It feels like shit and I have been replaced 3 times in the past month and 12 days. First swimming yeah okay I’m not the best but I’m pretty damn good. I guess when you brake your arm no one really wants to be the one to help you. Two friends, I always thought I was good at making friends but I can’t find THE friend you know the one who you can do anything with and tell anything to. I guess I may have one but the people I thought I could tell would rather listen to someone else. I guess I’m just tired of playing the stupid clown who no one actually takes seriously. 3 well I guess it could pare with 2 but I thought these people were different but I guess everyone just wants the same thing in the end. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to who ever is out there in a while my mom and dad are getting divorced and I really haven”t had time for much. I don’y like telling people because I don’t want to sound like a problem. I’m reading this book called “When You Reach Me” and its kind of wired but I guess the girl is in the same place as me just looking for a home they can’t find.

Ever have those I just want to kill everyone days?

Yeah I’m having one of those days. Do u ever feel like u have no true friends when I think threw I really don’t no one who really cares. 1 who would rather be popular then talk 2 me. Another who just follows him. 1 who u r just doing a good deed for and ur tiered of playing house. And another who really doesn’t think of u as a friend but rather a “team” member when they need help or someone to crack a joke to. I’m so tiered of keeping all this crap on my shoulders but how do u get it off simply say “You’re a dick go to hell” or say “okay” and pretend it’s not there. I have 4 months till high school then I will make new friend but there is only 1 high school I want and if I don’t get in I don’t know what I’ll do. I don’t have a back up plan if I don’t get in I have no future so what’s the point of living I want to live and grow but in the right place. I need something to make me happy my parents just care about me getting into the high school my friend well you know.
I love archery it makes me so happy to know I can hit a bullseye and feel powerful like I could kill anyone I felt like just by letting go of a string. There is this place called Vallen Wood a place I thought was special is really just another place that I was used for tools and equipment nothing more to give not to receive a toy. A toy they think is useless in strength but strong in tools. Remember how I said I love archery well I want to love archery all over their faces. I just hope that something makes me happy soon because right now I don’t have a point to keep living the life I live.